Happy Kitten Day.

Heh. My uncle sent me a book on managing panic and anxiety. It looks really great so far. However, as I'm reading it I notice... I'm getting really anxious. What if this wonderfully talked up book doesn't work for me? What if I'm not able to follow through with this great advice? What if this is really my problem and the meds were a mistake? As I recognize myself and my thoughts in the book I get more worked up. Um... yeah. How's about I set it down for the night?

Oh goodness going out to my parents' tonight was the right thing to do. I am stuffed full of ribs and potatoes and fruit salad and rolls with homemade strawberry jam, and best of all, my mom's special homemade barbecue sauce. MMMMmmmmm.... No problems with my calorie count tonight, baby!

My parents are soothed. My sibs were pleased to get to see me one more time before they leave tomorrow morning. My sister even hugged me sort of without being coerced. :P Yup. Got there just in time for dinner, stayed to do the dishes and put the boy to bed and home again home again. Both torainfor and her hubby drove me home tonight.

I have returned home with 3 books. One to reread, Pride and Prejudice, one to rebind, an old copy of Shakespeare that it was paining me to look at, and one a collection of family recipes all hand written out by my Auntie Jeanie. YAY books!

And so. To sleep.

Good night, my lovlies. Sweet dreams to you all.

So I've been talking with Tom, the mailroom guy at work. I've been trying to get his attention every since I saw his +1 Beer shirt that he wears on Fridays, but my "RAWR" shirt from Applegeeks got no recognition. Like most oversized geeks he doesn't notice girls, or, more likely, assumes they don't notice him. Well, with my new position I'm down in the mailroom a fair bit and while down there got a glimpse of his MegaTokyo Flapdoozy bag. I have one, too. :)

So we chatted MegaTokyo for a while and when he realized I knew of what I spoke we've been talking a fair bit more here and there. I was wearing my new ruffled shirt today and when I popped down to the mailroom he said something about flamenco and how Spanish styled it was.

I countered that I was leaning more towards neo-Victorian and steampunk. To which he said, "Ah! Do we have an Abney Park fan?"

Hee. He's going to bring me two of their CDs to copy tomorrow. Yay!

No, I have no serious designs on him. I understand he used to work in Underwriting but is now running the mailroom? Not a good move. But it's fun to have a geek to talk to in the office. If I recall correctly, he's addicted to the WoWCrack and Magic - The Gathering of All Your Money.

And I know, I know, pics or it didn't happen. Here's the best shot I could get of the new shirt, sorry, it's a little blurry.

Headed out to the folks' for dinner tonight to reassure them that I'm not dead. But my ride, Major Tom, brother-in-law, is coming up from McChord Air Force Base in Tacoma so who knows when he'll be able to get me. He's already 45 minutes past his first estimate and 15 minutes past his second, so we shall see!

Good progress done on the journals tonight. Got the signatures sewn together for the larger one and the cover laid out. I have the interior of the cover cut out, she requested softbound so I'm using a cereal box to give the cover a bit more stiffness. I have the leather cover marked out but not cut. Earlier I lost my cutting board (ok, the notebook whose back I have been abusing as a cutting board); now I've lost my razor knife, again. That's probably for the best as I've noticed my hands are getting shaky again.

I did start the decoration on the mini-book while I was at my mom's. I didn't get too far with it, however. I'm a little nervous. The leather is beautiful and my embroider a shade out of practice. I think it'll be ok. I free-hand drew the pattern. For the larger one ... Why, why do I keep deciding I like circular patterns when I don't own a compass? I really need to get one of those.

I talked to my mom today and was able to reassure her. Turns out my step-dad's youngest (who has passed away) when he got overwhelmed by people he was a cutter and it was time to take him to the hospital. So my mom wasn't worried until Jim started to panic. But I think I have them both reassured now that it's not at all the same thing and I have no tendencies towards self-harm. Mom was glad that I was home and having a better day.

I am doing better. I'm frustrated at my inability to do my "usual" family duties but I guess it's just time to change those, or something. I told Mom we'd talk more when she came into town for lunch on my birthday. We'll see.

I "love" my ability to lose things without even leaving my chair. Found it though, finally. :) Yes, the bookbinding goes well.

Uh... yeah. Still a little tender. Did I mention that the Clonzapam takes away my ability to hide my emotions. And did I mention that hiding emotions is a family past-time?

So... I did ok for the barbecue. Kind of. But there was a moment where there was just a lot of chaos and yelling and stuff and no one was angry it was just all this input coming in and ... ya know, we've (me and my doc) have realized that the panic attacks covered up a lot of things, dropping a veil of numbness, sort of, over the top of everything. So the chaos and the social phobia flared up and I rather wigged out. I made it through dinner, and it was a pretty good time, tucked between my sister and my mom. Then Rain and I got up and did the dishes.....

It's kind of weird, you know? It's always been like this. For some reason my mom's hospitality ends where her children begin. She'll offer guests drinks and then tell us to go get them. Or she'll get them and say nothing to us. She'll serve dessert while Beth and I do the dishes without a word telling us to come join them. It's little tiny unintentional snubs the whole time.

My whole life at family functions I've been the "good" one. No matter what my sibs did my job was always to make sure things were done and that Mom was as happy as could be. That's been changing in recent years. Now it's... impossible. At every family event my siblings have spent hours hiding in their rooms to recover, but I never did. Until now.

So Rain and her husband, Tom, and their son, Jack, have been staying with my folks for a while. I got a LOT of pressure on every side to spend the night on the 4th. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it, but I remembered my sister's reassurances that they'd find a way around my mother's objections and move Jack into their room and I wouldn't have to sleep on the couch in the living room, like Mom had planned.

Well, I didn't find out until yesterday afternoon that their plans had basically gotten shouted down and Mom informed them that I would be just fine on the couch. I'm sorry. It was the final snub. I've spent enough time as a wee one sleeping on floors, tucked in corners, wherever at family events so the adults could have the beds.

I have for so long given everything I had. Now - I have precious little left. So Rain and Tom and I talked and I told them my energy level would crash at about 8 because of the meds and I should be ok if I just had a place to chill away from everyone. We agreed that if I could just go hide in "Jack's" room until they were ready to put him to bed that should be ok.

Well - it wasn't. I was trying to calm down, but Mom is now ... finally (?) aware that there's something the matter with me. So she found me and asked if everything was ok. Well... no. Then she asked me if I needed to go home and I admitted in almost tears, feeling that I was disappointing everyone, from Mom, to Rain to Tommy who would have to drive me home, to my aunt and uncle who were coming out the next day, that I really didn't want to spend the night.

So Mom goes out and whispers to Tommy and then sits back down with her guests. Tommy, Rain and I quietly arrange things and Tom and I leave.

Then my mom calls me while we're on the road worried that she didn't get a chance to talk to me more and scared that I'm depressed and suicidal. I tried to explain to her that it's not the same as depression, it's more like... intense shyness. I see my brother-in-law nodding as I say this after he's lived with my sister for 15 years.

Any ways. It was a disaster. I scared and disappointed my mom. I abandoned my sister. My brother called me a pussy for wimping out... (Not Tommy, Johnny.)

But... I was honest. And I stood up for myself and what I needed, even if it ran counter to everyone's plans. I admitted when I just couldn't do it. So... win?

I'm rarely up this late, but I woke up late and lazed about so I didn't take my Vyvance until 10:30... yeah. It's time released for 14 hours. I can probably sleep soon though, now that the Clonazapam has kicked in. I did get the cover for the mini-book cut out, which is awesome. I can work on the embroidery at my mom's house, I hope.

Things I need to do tomorrow:
Pack my green shirt in my bag. Remember my phone and my journal and pen. Oh yeah, and take ou the garbage.

I think that's about it. It's been a very good day. I went up on the roof tonight, since I'm usually fast asleep by now. I thought I could see the stars. But when I went up there the Space Needle was shining so brightly I didn't think I'd be able to see anything through the light pollution. However, I looked up any way and there was the handle to the Big Dipper. With a little focus I could see the rest of it. It was good to see an old friend in the sky. It reminded me of how different the stars were even from California, and certainly from England.

So I didn't get the bookbinding stuff done, yet, but I took my meds late so I may easily be up until 2 a.m.

But! I did get pretty much everything else done, but I have to repack, I think. I took myself out to see Up. OMGosh if you have a heart you will be CRYING! Good things about going to see movies alone: no one cared that I cried through the whole thing and I got to sit in the correct row for MY messed up eyes so the 3D glasses worked. It was awesome. And . . . real. Dang.

And then as I was leaving I saw Eddie Bauer's was having a 70% off sale! Whee! I now own shorts, jeans that fit, two new tops, and a belt to hold up all the jeans that used to fit and now are falling off! I win!

Today is a good day. I might even get those book signatures done. I really need that binding cradle though, all my holes are getting punched slightly off. It shouldn't effect the finished project too much but it won't be as tight as I'd like it.

Oh - one weird thing about going to the movies alone - I dropped popcorn down my shirt and no one offered to get it for me! I mean, I never let them, but they always ask. It was just... surreal. Happened more than once too, each time I was like, "Huh. I'm really here alone."

So I posted a few of my pictures from today to Flickr. They were taken off my roof with the zoom lens. Well, not the last two - those are of Harry, Harry Mudd. He's an algae ball, a marimo. jssugar was sad for me that I couldn't have any pets so she got him for me, including the awesome tank. The bubbles mean that that he is properly photosynthesizing. I have to change his water out about once a week, but still! I think he's super cool!

Ok, fine, I'll post his pic here instead of making you follow the link to flickr. :)

Accomplished:

• Sleep in Late
• Fuss with FaceBook requests until I got sick of them and just denied everything.
• Breffist
• Shower
• Dressed
• Dishes done.
• Coffee!
• Bed made!
• Pictures taken off of my roof - yayness!
• Camera batteries charged!
• Laundry drying! I win!
• Laundry done!
• Hand washing done and drying
• Shopping done
• Packed!
  Even eating a snack. I think all that's left is the book binding stuffs? Ok, the house isn't exactly "clean" but that's mostly scraps and bookbinding detritus laying about. Ok, and the filing. And the floors.... >__>

To Do:

Clean House

• Laundry
• Dishes

Pack for Mom's house

• Clothes
• Toiletries
• Journal
• Books
• Pen
• Ink
• Meds
• Girly stuff
• Camera

• Cut out leather for book 2
• Make 2 new signatures
• Get new razor blades
• Charge camera batteries

You know how they say measure twice and cut once? Do you ever actually do that? Yeah. I'm trying to get better about that. I got most of the signatures cut out for the journal I'm making. Ok, I got all of them cut - just one of them I took the measurements upside-down and so cut it too small.

But that's ok, I'm making a smaller book and so I cut down the mistake even farther to work with that one. Which meant I needed to know just how big the smaller book was going to be, so I got the book board covers and spine cut down for that. And then marked out on the cover material. So yay!

I need one more signature for each book, but my hands are too shaky right now. Which is also why I'm not cutting out the cover material for the smaller book right now. I have plans! Oh I have such plans. There will be cut-outs and embroidery and all kinds of exciting things. Oh yes. :D

But... not tonight. Tonight my hands say enough and so... shakily, I type this. And now, no more typing either. Or writing. Only reading and chilling.

Loves!

Each book is better than the last. I have one more to make after these two. I hope it will be better than all before it!

Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Alice in Wonderland
ZOMGSQUEE!

And dinner with jssugar went very well and frozen custard helped the calorie count. ;) Now two days with no plans at all. Can I say, "Whee!"

So sleepy. Might just call it an early night. We did a lot of walking around.

I have too many things I need! Order number 1 is jeans that don't fall off. Order number 2 is athletic shoes for serious workouts. Order number 3 is new book binding tools of better quality - mostly for cutting things. Order number 4 is a few odds and ends to finish off my apartment.

Grrr... So many things! Some new summer tops would be really nice as well!

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Things at work are awesome. I'm super extra special shining star again. I had to ask for a reprieve from my former duties when I picked up Salvage because I wanted to make sure I could give it my full attention and not screw up all the legal paperwork. I got a skeptical eyebrow, but permission. A few weeks ago I really hit my stride and all of the backlog is cleared up and things are in and out the same day so I sent out an email saying I could pick up my extra duties again - mostly those relating to being the back-up help desk. You know, the person people call when they know there's not anything wrong but user error? So that made folks happy with me. Then yesterday I was finally able to figure out and perfect the program that automates some of our month end reports. Just in time for today! And it worked perfectly. It does in 14 minutes what it took me 2 hours to do by hand. The big boss called me in his office and asked me how much paper we were saving by not printing them but by just doing emails (about 100 sheets) and how much time, an hour and three-quarters, if I do them, an hour if my boss does them. He also asked if anyone had asked me to do it. I said no, I was just given the task to do by hand and knew there had to be a better way, so in my slow times, I've been working on the program. Yesh. He was very pleased. He said that my accomplishment was going to go into his monthly status report to the executives. *Beam* I loves my job.

It's July so we're extra short handed. It's a good thing I decided to work through my birthday. I'm back today pulling true double duty - answering incoming calls and doing Salvage at the same time. And Salvage is even more challenging with so many adjusters out and me trying to piece things together from their notes instead of having the correct referrals. This one file took several phone calls to get all the info. Heck - it might even make it in the mail if the checks get printed and distributed correctly before the last mail run. Always hard to tell, and, of course, the lady who usually distributes the checks is out of the office. I can't print anything under my name because my authority is too low, so I have to go tracking down my checks all over the office since the back-up check lady has no idea what's really mine.

BUT! I'm sure too busy to worry about anything! Busy busy busy! :D It's fun!

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And all of my July is busy - here's my schedule:
Today - Ladies' Spa day with jssugar
3rd - torainfor and family back in town.
4th - Family BBQ at my parents' house. Staying the night there.
5th - Favorite uncle and aunt in town (which is why I'm just staying at my parents, so I can be sure to see them.)
7th - Rain and family leave town. See hollyking
8th - Check out kickboxing class.
9th - Birthday! :D Ride the Ducks with Carron
10th - Girly day with hollyqueen
11th - 12th - Baby brother John in town with the wonderful Yvette.

13th - I collapse?